Happy Mother's Day (to my mom)

When my older brothers were very little my mom had a very upsetting dream. In her dream, she and my two brothers were on a sandy beach. In the distance, she noticed a colossal wave coming towards them. She ran to grab her boys. She ran so quickly her feet felt like they were burning. They were all caught in the wave, but she managed to grab a hold of them, one in each arm. Holding on to them and kicking her feet to stay afloat, the wave began to struggle with her. She described it as, the wave, growing a hand. They tugged back and forth over the boys and in the end, she was left ashore, with only one of my brothers. My brother Tony was gone. She cried. She awoke and immediately ran to check on them as they slept peacefully in their beds.

I do not know who else she has told of this dream but she has only told me once after I had already had children. The dream is both cruel and powerful because years later Tony was killed by a gang-banger's stray bullet. Tony's death is not a secret but at the same time, it is not something we ever discuss. It is a painful and delicate memory.

And it is around this time of year, when the United States and Mexico are celebrating Mother's Day, that I mourn the tragedy and celebrate my mom. I know that my mom knows I love her. But I am not sure if she is aware of the admiration that I hold for her. She has managed to keep it together, maintain a strong family and raise three other children, locking in her heart, the memory of my brother and always trying to protect us against any "waves". She is strength.

Now, she will never read this post and I am fine with that. I am not sure if I want her too because it might cause her too much sorrow. Happy Mother's Day Mom.  I love you.

Dear Kids - I Need a Rest

Dear Girls,

Today you are 19 & 31 months old.  I spent yesterday, like most others, taking care of you two, playing, cooking & cleaning.  I was upset when you decided to play "bathtime" and turned your juice cups over onto your heads landing onto my carpet and over your clothes. But I dealt with the situation without yelling, instead playfully calling you "silly dirty girls" and having you help me scrub the carpet. I was disappointed when you found the salt container, opened it and took turns pouring it into the sofa because you were playing "mommy chef" and pretending to "cook."  But I pulled out my hand-held vacuum and sorted it out, asking you to not do that again. I was embarrassed at the shop when you both decided to lie on the ground so you could stare at the "funny" ceiling lights. I waited patiently, coaxing you to "hurry along" as other customers shook their heads & frowned.

And so why did I not flip out? It is because I know that none of these incidents, albeit annoying, inconvenient and a bit embarrassing to the adult world were intended to hurt or upset me. It was you two, exploring, being creative, trying different things and having fun. I could not stand to yell at you because I did not want to end your smiles or crush your enthusiasm. I sadly know that life experience and age will do that for you. But for now, I will let you have fun as I show you "the ropes" and introduce you to "the rules" of life. Though I admit I will make plenty of mistakes along the way.

There was a point when I lost it. You were not aware. Last night you both went to bed as usual at 7:30. I stayed up to iron, prepare your meals and sort your clothes. I crashed at 11pm and was awoken at 2am by the both of you who decided to hop into bed with me. You argued over who would lay next to me and once we reached a happy resolution, you easily drifted off to bed. I, on the other hand tossed and turned for an hour, unable to sleep comfortably in the small space you'd left me. I felt suffocated. At around 4:15, I had had enough and angrily got out of bed with the intention of lifting you & taking you to your own beds, despite pleading or tears.

I got out of bed and using my cellphone as a flashlight, I lifted the covers to lift you. There you were, side-by-side & cheek-to-cheek, holding hands. And I again, couldn't stand to pull you apart or away from that moment. You both looked so calm and secure. And so while I did lose it, I quickly came back to reality. The reality is that, as much as I complain about lack of sleep, no personal time or space, these precious years with you are just flying by. One day you will be all grown with pressures and concerns of your own. So for now I'll just let you live life happy and safe. For now I'll just continue to sleep at the foot of the bed or on the floor.

And as I end this little letter, I just would like to ask that you please, forgive me on the days when I really do lose it and shout. I'm not perfect either.  Also, it would really help me out if you slept in your own beds. ;) love mami.

Easy Nutella Cake (no flour)

I love nutella. I love nutella. I really love nutella. I have two recipes for a nutella cake but this specific recipe is unbelievably easy, calling for only two ingredients: nutella & eggs. The frosting calls for three ingredients: nutella, butter & icing (confectioner's) sugar. The result is a decadent, very moist & dense cake.

For the cake you will need, 300grams (10oz) of nutella & 4 eggs (whites and yolks separated)

1. Grease and line with parchment paper a 7 inch round spring-form tin. Heat oven to 180 C (160 C fan/350 F).
2.  In a medium sized bowl beat the egg yolks vigorously until fluffy. Slowly add in nutella in 3 lots, mixing after each addition. Beat until the mixture is smooth.
3. Vigorously beat the eggs whites until they are very stiff & foamy. Slowly fold the egg whites in three lots, into the nutella mixture.
4. Stir until smooth.
5. Transfer to the spring-form. Bake for about 25 minutes until cake starts pulling off the sides of the tin.

For the frosting you will need, ¾ cup of soft butter, 3 cups icing (confectioner's sugar), 100 grams (3.5 oz) nutella

Beat all of the ingredients until smooth. Store in fridge until cake is completely cooled.

Why My Kids are Cool

Today, the girls decided they would not let me out of their sight and followed me everywhere, from toilet to kitchen. I could not, for a second, get away. By 7pm, I was tired of having them glued to my hips but I got over it because my girls are cool. Why? Two reasons. First, they like to dance in sunglasses just before bed. Second, they pass out at 7pm, no fuss. Rock On!

Car Lashes?!?

I had the most nightmarish trip to a DIY store with the kids today.  I came across these eyelashes to dazzle a car. Question, Who uses these?

Berry Icing Cupcakes

Cupcake Recipe:
You will need: 1 stick of softened butter (about 115 grams), 1 cup of sugar, 2 whole eggs, 1 tablespoon vanilla extract, 1 1/3 (one & one-third) cups flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, pinch of salt, 1/3 cup of milk. 


Steps:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 C/160C with fan). 
2. Sift the flour, baking powder and pinch of salt  into a bowl and set aside. 


3. Cream together the butter & sugar until nice & smooth. 
4. Add two eggs and vanilla extract. Mix again. 
5. Slowly add the flour mixture in three lots. Mix. Slowly add milk. Mix. DO NOT OVER MIX. Batter should be dense. 
6. Pour batter into cupcake tin. Fill each 3/4 way up. 
7. Pop in oven for 20 - 22 minutes until a fork comes out clear. 




Icing Recipe:
You will need: 1 stick of softened unsalted butter (about 115 grams), 1 pound of confectioner's (icing), 1 tablespoon vanilla extract, pinch of salt, 1/2 cup raspberry or strawberry preserves (or jelly/jam). 


Combine ingredients in a bowl and mix until smooth but still thick. Refrigerate for an hour before using. 

one of "those" days ...

I tend to babble, often trying to convince people to join me on this "only fresh organic homemade food for the family" journey I am on. Well, while it sounds very upper class and sophisticated, today was just one of "those" days. Here is a whole load of organic homemade sophistication all over my shirt. If you take a second look you can see blue paint from last week. I don't know why I even bother washing my clothes sometimes.

Today's car trip from the grocery store summarizes my day. For reference C is 19 months (coming up to 2), A is 31 months (coming up to 3).

C - "blph blph blph" (as she started spitting in the car)
A - "You are a naughty girl and should stop doing like that"
C - "No. Not naughty!" (very loud shout)
A - "Yes. Naughty!" (nearly crying)
C - "Roar" - (roared like a lion at A)
A - " I don't like it" (in full on tears and scared)
A - (retort) "ROAR" (her loudest roar)

The girls then proceeded to try and "out" roar each other. I shouted, "Stop now or timeout at home."
There was a dead silence and then in unison they both burst out crying in high pitches.

Like I said ... just one of those days.

10 Mindful Minutes

Against my better judgement I am admitting two things.

First, I don't read like books, unless my kids are around in which case I pretend to be a "lean - mean - reading machine" (I will validate the previous point at the end, so give me a break). Second, despite my displeasure "Re" reading, I have managed to read 10 Mindful Minutes two times in the last 5 weeks, cover to cover. I'm embarrassed because Goldie Hawn is the author of the book & everyone I tell about it feels obliged to refer to the woman as an "airhead."  Airhead or not, I have found the book incredibly useful and applicable to everyday life with the purpose of reducing stress & anxiety & helping our children to do the same.

The book starts off slow but the tools she introduces are helpful. They are simple, but in this fast and digital world, we forget. I've really been trying to give my mind a rest and focus on little things. Have you ever found yourself doing 2 or more things at once? All of the time? What about slowing down and doing 1 thing - being mindful of 1 thing. For example, if you are going on a walk, think about your steps not about your weekend or an argument or the future. Just think about your steps, or your breathe. It is not easy to do at first but it is immensely relaxing.

I've been applying the tools to my children as well, especially my almost-3 year-old who can be hyperactive. She has an amazing ability to focus which I had never noticed before. Yesterday, she seemed tense and I could sense a tantrum coming. I asked her to focus on her hands and she began uttering a fantastic description, "small, short nails, pink, dirty, lines on the inside, bend, fingers, pointing, spider, smaller than mommy's." In the last 5 weeks, I have noticed the girls are more aware of their surroundings, hearing birds or leaves rustling when I have sadly managed to tune it all out.

Now, in defense to my dislike of reading, I used to enjoy reading & my favorite book is the Awakening by Kate Chopin.  However, I find that having been raising babies for the last 3 years, I am tired by 9 and there is no way that my girls are going to let me read a book that is not being read to them during the day. As a result, the only opportunity I get for "reading" is in bed and then I fall asleep instantly.